A Strong Yearning Makes for New Goals

Lately I've been trying (unsuccessfully) to lose weight. I know I've had baby fever for awhile, and while we aren't preventing, we aren't trying either. However, both Matt and I agreed for us to wait at least one year and for both of us to get more healthy.

We met one criteria lol. We reached the one year mark! (YAY! Happy Anniversary to us!) Unfortuantely, I haven't lost weight to get healthier. I would start trying and then not see results fast enough and give up. I would get depressed and just eat whatever I wanted. I would eat when I wasn't hungry, and when I was hungry, I stuffed myself.

Lately, I read about The South Beach Diet. There are a LOT of great reviews from a HUGE amount of people all over who have has successful stories from this diet. Actually, it's not really a diet, but more of a lifestyle change. The book teaches you how to eat much healthier and what kinds of food to eat. I as reading different reviews about it today, and I put the book on my wishlist on Amazon until I get paid. I also put The South Beach Diet Cookbook on my wishlist. I am SO excited to do this. I feel upbeat and like this really will work. I have stopped gaining weight, so I think it will be easier as well. I wont be 'fighting' against myself. I put myself in such a good mood today that I felt like a different person. I did get my haircut over the weekend, so I think that helped with my self image of feeling like a better person, internally.

Today, it seemed like everyone was posting baby pictures from their Easter weekend. Yes, I've always said "I want a baby" or "I want to be a mom so badly"... Today it tugged at my heart stronger than usual. I realize that my dream isn't going to happen unless I work for it, and work HARD for it. Yes, I lost weight before, but it just fell off. I worked a VERY physical job and was on a schedule from 6am until 8pm. Ate at the same time every day and didn't overeat. Now, with me working a desk job, I'm not very active. So with my learning a new lifestyle of eating habits, I believe I'll first start to feel more energetic and then start to want to work out after work. I feel with this new attitude of I CAN do this, that I'll get my dream sooner rather than later. And THAT made me SOO excited!!

So here's to trying a new lifestyle and getting skinny!! Wish me luck and pray for me please!

Movie Kind of Day

We were heathens today and didn't go to church. Matt got mad at me last night because I was exhausted and didn't wanna, well, you know. So he said "I'm not going to church tomorrow" and then left the bed and went to go watch TV until 4am....

I don't know what's going on. We just celebrated our one year anniversary. I knew the first year would be hard, everyone said it would be. But I didn't know HOW hard.... how much of a toll it can take; on you as a person, your mind, your body.... And then I thought I was doomed because my best friend has an amazing marriage and is always so happy and lovey dovey. And I thought we'd be like that, but we're not.... Not really... and hardly ever. It worries me sometimes.... okay, more than sometimes.

But I don't want everyone to know about it.

I don't know if it's me, him, or both of us. I know I've been depressed lately, because of how I look. I KNOW I'm not pretty anymore. I know how fat I am. I've tried doing something about it, but I don't see results quick enough to keep it up. I get bored with it and just give up. So since I haven't lost weight, there is no baby talk, whatsoever. And again, that is depressing.

I have gotten to that point where I don't look at myself in mirrors. If I do, I just look at my face to see if my hair and makeup are okay. I don't take pictures. If someone takes a picture of me, and I see it, I gag at how I look. I just want to hide from everyone and everything. I'm embarrassed.

I don't know where I was going with this, so I'm just going to end it here...

Trying not to get emotional

I should have known today couldn't have gotten better.... It started off REALLY crappy.... I slept horrible, for the second night in a row, so I woke up and didn't want to get out of bed... Then at work, I didn't do something right or I forgot something, and I was chastised for it.... I had to ask for a day off because we only have one car and Matt has a Dr. appointment clear down in Zanesville...



Never mind.... i'm not going to blog here about this. I dont know if I'm going to even continue my marriage blog. I don't want to "copy" anyone.