We were heathens today and didn't go to church. Matt got mad at me last night because I was exhausted and didn't wanna, well, you know. So he said "I'm not going to church tomorrow" and then left the bed and went to go watch TV until 4am....
I don't know what's going on. We just celebrated our one year anniversary. I knew the first year would be hard, everyone said it would be. But I didn't know HOW hard.... how much of a toll it can take; on you as a person, your mind, your body.... And then I thought I was doomed because my best friend has an amazing marriage and is always so happy and lovey dovey. And I thought we'd be like that, but we're not.... Not really... and hardly ever. It worries me sometimes.... okay, more than sometimes.
But I don't want everyone to know about it.
I don't know if it's me, him, or both of us. I know I've been depressed lately, because of how I look. I KNOW I'm not pretty anymore. I know how fat I am. I've tried doing something about it, but I don't see results quick enough to keep it up. I get bored with it and just give up. So since I haven't lost weight, there is no baby talk, whatsoever. And again, that is depressing.
I have gotten to that point where I don't look at myself in mirrors. If I do, I just look at my face to see if my hair and makeup are okay. I don't take pictures. If someone takes a picture of me, and I see it, I gag at how I look. I just want to hide from everyone and everything. I'm embarrassed.
I don't know where I was going with this, so I'm just going to end it here...
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