A Strong Yearning Makes for New Goals

Lately I've been trying (unsuccessfully) to lose weight. I know I've had baby fever for awhile, and while we aren't preventing, we aren't trying either. However, both Matt and I agreed for us to wait at least one year and for both of us to get more healthy.

We met one criteria lol. We reached the one year mark! (YAY! Happy Anniversary to us!) Unfortuantely, I haven't lost weight to get healthier. I would start trying and then not see results fast enough and give up. I would get depressed and just eat whatever I wanted. I would eat when I wasn't hungry, and when I was hungry, I stuffed myself.

Lately, I read about The South Beach Diet. There are a LOT of great reviews from a HUGE amount of people all over who have has successful stories from this diet. Actually, it's not really a diet, but more of a lifestyle change. The book teaches you how to eat much healthier and what kinds of food to eat. I as reading different reviews about it today, and I put the book on my wishlist on Amazon until I get paid. I also put The South Beach Diet Cookbook on my wishlist. I am SO excited to do this. I feel upbeat and like this really will work. I have stopped gaining weight, so I think it will be easier as well. I wont be 'fighting' against myself. I put myself in such a good mood today that I felt like a different person. I did get my haircut over the weekend, so I think that helped with my self image of feeling like a better person, internally.

Today, it seemed like everyone was posting baby pictures from their Easter weekend. Yes, I've always said "I want a baby" or "I want to be a mom so badly"... Today it tugged at my heart stronger than usual. I realize that my dream isn't going to happen unless I work for it, and work HARD for it. Yes, I lost weight before, but it just fell off. I worked a VERY physical job and was on a schedule from 6am until 8pm. Ate at the same time every day and didn't overeat. Now, with me working a desk job, I'm not very active. So with my learning a new lifestyle of eating habits, I believe I'll first start to feel more energetic and then start to want to work out after work. I feel with this new attitude of I CAN do this, that I'll get my dream sooner rather than later. And THAT made me SOO excited!!

So here's to trying a new lifestyle and getting skinny!! Wish me luck and pray for me please!

Movie Kind of Day

We were heathens today and didn't go to church. Matt got mad at me last night because I was exhausted and didn't wanna, well, you know. So he said "I'm not going to church tomorrow" and then left the bed and went to go watch TV until 4am....

I don't know what's going on. We just celebrated our one year anniversary. I knew the first year would be hard, everyone said it would be. But I didn't know HOW hard.... how much of a toll it can take; on you as a person, your mind, your body.... And then I thought I was doomed because my best friend has an amazing marriage and is always so happy and lovey dovey. And I thought we'd be like that, but we're not.... Not really... and hardly ever. It worries me sometimes.... okay, more than sometimes.

But I don't want everyone to know about it.

I don't know if it's me, him, or both of us. I know I've been depressed lately, because of how I look. I KNOW I'm not pretty anymore. I know how fat I am. I've tried doing something about it, but I don't see results quick enough to keep it up. I get bored with it and just give up. So since I haven't lost weight, there is no baby talk, whatsoever. And again, that is depressing.

I have gotten to that point where I don't look at myself in mirrors. If I do, I just look at my face to see if my hair and makeup are okay. I don't take pictures. If someone takes a picture of me, and I see it, I gag at how I look. I just want to hide from everyone and everything. I'm embarrassed.

I don't know where I was going with this, so I'm just going to end it here...

Trying not to get emotional

I should have known today couldn't have gotten better.... It started off REALLY crappy.... I slept horrible, for the second night in a row, so I woke up and didn't want to get out of bed... Then at work, I didn't do something right or I forgot something, and I was chastised for it.... I had to ask for a day off because we only have one car and Matt has a Dr. appointment clear down in Zanesville...



Never mind.... i'm not going to blog here about this. I dont know if I'm going to even continue my marriage blog. I don't want to "copy" anyone.

Nightly Random Thoughts

Mom got me some new heel boots yesterday while we were out. I wore them last night and today, and they somehow hurt my hip.... It's like the ball is grinding in the socket and it hurts every time I move my leg :( No fun.

Soooo I have a lot on my mind, but I don't feel like I have a safe place to release all these jumbled thoughts. I'm not stupid to think that an internet blog is a safe place to release a bunch of thoughts, so I have no idea what to do with them. I guess I'm just wasting time, because Matt is out with his friend, at Wheeling Island.... They went there last night, and I went with them. I was so bored though. However, Matt did end up winning a couple hundred dollars... I know, gambling is wrong... but I don't know how to convince him of that. His family gambles and they're all good at it. The aren't stupid.... He doesn't think it's wrong because he plays smart and wins... but I don't like it..... There is just way too many "What if's" .... *sighs*

I really wish he was here though. I really need to talk to him and get some stuff off my chest and see if I'm being overreacting to a lot of stuff or what.... I'm really confused at the moment and I need an outside view.... And Matt is honest and will tell me if I'm wrong or whatever....

I don't like feeling like this. I feel as if I've accidentally done something and I've made people upset with me or something. But I have no idea what I did. I've been super busy with my new job and haven't been able to talk to hardly anyone but Matt or my mom.... And now I'm down at my parents' house until the New Year because I have to go back to work January 2nd. I feel like I'm being pushed away from everyone, and it isn't a good feeling. I know, others have lives too. I'm not stupid to think differently. I just feel shut out, or left behind... I don't know why, but I just do....

Yeah, emo post.... what, gonna do something about it?

Insecurities

So I just realized I had made this one like, a few years ago but forgot about it and never posted in it... I don't want to come across as copying anyone, so I've debated about using this one that I had created awhile ago, or going back to livejournal. I decided this one because it is sorta linked to my married blog and I can go to just one location if I wanted to blog in both, instead of two different websites.


Lately, my insecurities have been resurfacing. I feel as if my friends that I had before I got married don't care about me anymore. They all said they would come visit me, but none of them have. So I'm like, were they friends to begin with? The only bridesmaid that has been to my apartment is my sister. All of Matt's groomsmen have been here except one, and that is because he was deployed and recently got back to Ohio. I wish I were more like Matt in that I had a lot of friends that were all super close to me. Instead, I have one. Of course Matt is my best friend. I can tell him everything without worried about him judging me. Other than that, my other friend lives in a different country, and I haven't seen her for a couple of years. We don't get to talk as much as before either because we both have new, married lives.

It also sucks that I am in an area that I am not familiar with. I don't know anyone up here, except my Mother-in-law and sister-in-law. And I do not want to hang out with them. I'm not going to go into detail about that on here, but I just want to be comfortable where I live. I'm stuck in the apartment everyday, Monday - Friday. It isn't fun. And cleaning a two bedroom apartment does not take much.

I've not been feeling well lately either. I've had a cold since a few days before Thanksgiving; and that was two weeks ago... I'm just not getting over the stuffy nose and cough, but I'm feeling nauseous now. Blech.

I better go now though, I have dishes to do and such. Matt is going to be home late because he's going to work on someone's computer for an extra 20$.... hey, any little bit helps... And we definitely could use ANYthing..